The above statement is one of many ridiculous quotes which glamourizes the idea of weight loss. It implies that being ‘skinny’ is THE most important thing in the world and you should do whatever it takes, and sacrifice whatever you need to in order to achieve that, even if that means enduring an eating disorder.
This couldn’t be any further from the truth.
What does ‘skinny’ feel like? Well let me tell you. It feels like you cannot concentrate or form a coherent sentence as your brain no longer wants to focus on anything other than the calorie deficit you have set for yourself. It feels like you are completely alone, as you have isolated yourself in order to avoid any social situations that hold possible temptation of over indulgence, and pushed away any friends in the process as they aren’t too thrilled that you don’t attend their birthday because you’re hiding from a slice of cake. It feels as though you are constantly chasing an unachievable goal, as with every pound you lose, its not enough, you will never be satisfied. It feels as though every time you eat you have failed, as you could always have had less, controlled yourself a little bit more. You had an apple? You could have had half. It feels like you have ran a marathon when you have only climbed the stairs as you have no energy and drain yourself physically and mentally 24 hours a day.
The truth is I put myself through all of this for over 4 years and there was no ‘good’ feeling that came from the situation. Just pain and suffering. An eating disorder doesn’t give you anything other than a sense of control, it just takes everything away. It’s taken away my relationships with family and friends, my sense of humour, my education, my dream to be a dancer, my freedom and my relationship with myself. If it weren’t for my family and local hospital services being so attentive and getting me admitted every time I deteriorated physically I am pretty sure it would have taken my life too. And I would have let it.
It’s easy to feel comfortable in your little bubble, especially if you try to push yourself out, and try recovery, the smallest bit of anxiety encases you straight back to what you know, to the little anorexic life no one can touch or take from you. There is no uncertainty in that life, no doubts, you know what to expect day to day as each day is just as painful as the last, but it is a pain you are used to and willing to endure in order to avoid any unexpected surprises the real world might bring. It’s the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘could be’s’ of the world that scare me so much and prevent me moving forward but these are things we have to embrace in order to get anywhere. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this now as I’m still in the process of figuring this all out myself but I just wanted to get my thoughts down to make sense of them and figure out where my head is at.
until tomorrow..Emma xo