Okay so i really cannot complain about the hostel im staying in. Its cheap, clean, nice staff, etc etc. however i cannot WAIT to get my own space back. Generally speaking i’ve slept pretty well here and all the girls in my dorm have been really mindful of eachother with keeping quiet/tidy etc etc. But i spoke too soon..because low and behold people wandered on in during the middle of the night last, switched on the lights and played what i could only recognise as candy crush on full volume on their phone. Safe to say i was not amused. I simply hid under my duvet to start with as im not one to like confrontation so gave them the benefit of the doubt to hurry up and get ready for bed but after about half an hour of candy crush madness sending me crazy i just got up, and asked them to turn off the light ..which prompted a look of death..oops. So much for making friends hahaa dont think ill be too popular with them later on but come on, theres a time and a place for these things and it is not next to my bed at 1am when im trying to sleep.
Anyway, trivialities out of the way, one thing i’ve noticed about myself through recovery is i have very little patience. I go through mad phases of positivity, feeling really motivated with hundreds of goals, then get really frustrated when i don’t see immediate change and throw in the towel. Its crucial to remember that after all the damage that has been done physically, i can’t expect to look and feel healthy after a week or two of eating enough. This is hard for me to deal with because i know i can spend the next 3 or 4 months doing really well and i’m still going to look ill and underweight to other people. Most onlookers will assume i’m still restricting and think i’m lying when i tell them otherwise. Even my family get frustrated when the changes day to day or even week to week are so minimal, it appears as though i’m not moving forwards..but it’s only an accumulation of these gradual changes that will finally get me out of the hole i’ve managed to put myself so onwards and upwards.
I’ve started some little extra changes today to contribute to the new ‘healthier’ me…step one i need to cut down on my caffiene intake drastically as my coffee addiction is borderline funny its so ridiculous. So i’m sat typing away with my hot water with lemon and ginger which i have to say is surprisingly good! Secondly, i’m ashamed to admit i turned to smoking during the more difficult stages of my anorexia but i literally hate everything about it so why i continued baffles me. So i vow that each day i will have less than the day before, and by this time next month i will have stopped completely. (i shall keep you updated).
Until tomorrow..Emma xo