So the time has come..i have officially had my last round of treatment and frankly i feel fantastic. Perhaps slightly nervous, as i know now this is not the end of the road..no where near infact and i must now continue this journey on my own.
I have started this journey so many times before so what can make this one different??
Recovery doesn’t start the day you start hating anorexia, the day you go to hospital, or the day you start gaining weight. Recovery starts the day YOU decide to change. The day the hope in your heart becomes stronger than that voice in your head and you realised you are destined for better things than to be trapped by your own mind.
Sometimes even the desire to change isn’t enough, over the past 4 years i have been hospitalised 7 times, each time desperate to be well. But everytime i left i couldn’t do it myself, i rapidly lost weight and within a matter of months was straight back on my death bed being tube fed and told i had anything between a matter of days and weeks to live. Yet still i would lay there convinced i wanted to recover, with all the determination it is possible to possess. The problem is you need to want to recover MORE than anything else, for me i longed to be ‘normal’ and healthy, but for some reason a little part of me wanted control over food a little bit more, so i had lost before the battle had even begun.
so this has taken a slightly hopeless and depressive turn but WAIT! THERES A GOOD BIT COMING UP!
Although anorexia, or any eating disorder for that matter has a limitless list of terrible traits; from isolation, anxiety, bradychardia, osteoporosis, and ultimately organ failure and death, it has a fatal flaw as far as diseases go that work in our favour.. it’s ‘harmartia’ so to speak (in the words of my favourite author). It is in YOUR head, it is controlled by YOUR thoughts, and can be beaten by YOU. To anorexia nervosa control is oxygen. Provide it with control and it will thrive, grow and spread like a fire to all areas of your life, burning you with it. But take that control away and it has nothing, allowing you to sit and smugly watch it fizzle out to ash.
Lots of love as always,