I’m reaching the point where im realising it’s no use having all the knowledge..i need to start practicing what i preach..which i have to say is a lot harder to do than it is to write down.
So i’ve been giving a lot of thought to what this eating disorder is to me, as its constantly said its not just about food and vanity, which must be true as if it were purely a quest to look ‘good’ I would never have taken it as far as i have.
The first thing i’ve pinned it down to is control..i never realised how much of a massive deal being in control was to me but i had thought i’d been doing really well this past month eating the amount i’m supposed to and gaining weight with no one watching over me, but i did so preparing all my own food and being in complete control of what i had. Last night i went out for tea with my parents and in all honesty..it really unexpectedly shook me up! I wasn’t even anxious before hand, but when the food arrived there was the sudden realisation that i didn’t know how much was there, or how it was prepared, as meticulously as i usually would..and automatically i felt like i didnt know what was going to happen all of a sudden..that i didnt now how my body would react to this ‘imposter meal’ and it freaked me out! I found myself already worrying about what i was going to have the next day until i took a step back and thought “this is ridiculous”. My parents had spent 4 hours on a bus to come down and take me to see a show (Miss Saigon which by the way was brilliant) so i couldn’t ruin their night and be ungreatful by being a major stress head! I tried to cover up my anxiety as much as possible as to not ruin their day..whether or not i succeeded i guess ill never know.
After speaking with my therapist last sunday, something else came up which i now think has been quite a big contribution. I need to say first..my sister has NEVER acted as though she is better than me, she has never put me down and my parents have NEVER favoured her over me so i don’t want that to be how this next part comes across. It’s thought that events and circumstances in growning up contribute to an eating disorder developing but with not experiencing any traumatic events or bullying in my life i had written this concept off until Liz (my therapist) asked me a simple question i’d not given much thought to. Who was I growing up? My simple reply was ‘the funny one’-as within my family thats what i was refered to as. Then she asked about my sibings..to all our family members Katie was always the beautiful and smart one..no one ever told me i wasn’t, but being those few years older, i watched as she succeeded in her academics (eg.GCSEs) and get a lot of attention for her beautiful appearance before i had reached that stage in my life. This was reinforced a lot as i was pretty much known in my year at school for having a good lookng sister above everything else and never really heard the end of it! hahaaa Then Liz asked if there was any competition between us and there wasn’t..i realised this was because i didn’t see how there ever could be..trying to be anything like my big sister would be a completely unachievable goal. She isn’t just pretty, she is literally the most beautiful human being on the inside and that radiates through, so there was always a sense of admiration over any thought of competition. This isn’t a bad thing as competativeness doesnt exactly help a relationship, but this could be one reason why i withdrew myself into the safety of my eating disorder..out of fear that ‘putting myself out there’ would lead to judgement and comparison that i couldn’t live up to..so i prefered the thought of just trying to disappear.
I love my family so much, and would never try and place blame on them..the ‘blame’ here so to speak was my reactions to the situation no one had control over, i just want to make that really clear!
Anyway thats enough rambling for today..