Today has consisted mainly of running errands..well the kind of errands of my currently boring life which means doing some food shopping and getting my blood taken again hahaaa but i took my weekly arm stabbing ritual as an opportunity to sit in a lil coffee shop near my doctors for a bit (westmorland coffee house-if you havent been i highly recommend), grabbed a flat white, sat on a comfy sofa and had a little me time. No phone, no laptop, just me myself and my coffee. I have to say it was quite nice, after yesterdays hectic day (i’ll get to that), it was a relief to just wind down, and made me grateful that i could relax..as there was a time not too long ago when my head would be far too consumed with the stress of eating/not eating/exercising etc. to just be able to sit and watch the world go by..little pleasures..Emma likes them.
Back tracking a little to yesterdays shananigins. I had an appointment at the Seacroft hospital in leeds, and although the doctor made it clear no one could force me to go into hospital (i.e i cant be sectioned), his ‘recommendation’ was that i become an inpatient of my own accord, as he didnt believe i could get better on my own in time for uni next year. After all my hard work and progress these past few weeks that really felt like an unexpected slap in the face. For the record, i am not planning on going into hospital at all, but he also said that if i dont put on ‘X’ weight within the next month, it would all be reconsidered again, by which point the choice may no longer be mine. This absolutely terrifies me. Gaining weight doesnt terrify me, but the pressure of having to gain a certain amount in a given time frame suddenly makes it stressful! What if i get a stomach bug? What if i eat the same but my weight gain plateaus as it has in the past? Then I will be thrown back into hospital due to circumstances out of my control! And as we all know, being in control is a mahoosive thing for me..be that good or bad..it’s part of my personality that i have to learn to use in a positive way.
So im afraid its not the most positive post in the world but its honest. Im human, i get scared and i get stressed. I did try to cheer myself up by thinking about things i love..looking back at photos in disney since thats literally my favourite place in the world..but then i just got sad because im not there hahaaa
Until tomorrow, Emma xo