Sorry it’s been a while! Kept getting distracted everytime i went to write a post!
Anywhoooo, things are looking up! Since london i’ve been able to be increasingly kinder to myself, in every aspect..firstly and most obviously with nutrition and being able to stop punishing myself physically by restricting food, but apart from this treating myself in other ways such as getting my hair done, doing my nails etc has helped me enormously (although admitidly its done little to help my mini financial crisis ;))
I never thought i’d get to a point where i dont feel terrible about myself but i feel the best i’ve ever felt since anorexia kicked in..granted its still not the happy carefree life i had once upon a time but that is finally in sight!
Another thing i’ve been able to do is stop focusing on the aspects of myself i dont like, and try to bring out the traits that i do..for instance i always saw myself as quite a caring person so i’ve started volunteering again! i used to be quite sociable so i have made an effort to spend more time with friends and family whenever i can! Each little thing adds up..we only have one life at the end of the day so dont waste it torturing yourself!
A little bit of self-love goes further than you think 🙂
Lots of lovee, Emma xo
It’s been a while since i’ve posted but in all honesty i haven’t had all that much to say! Today however has altered that entirely!
I spent the day at Leeds Trinity with my lovely sister and had a little wonder around the christmas markets. I was so determined to do something to challenge myself mentally, as although i don’t mind the idea of having enough calories to gain weight anymore..having those calories from ‘bad’ foods is still something i struggle with..despite the fact I only have those foods once in a while as part of a balanced, healthy diet. Clearly this is extremerly anorexic thinking as sugar is not poison and everything in moderation right??
So we had lunch at wagamamas and it was loveeellllyyyy! We had a pitter patter around the german xmas markets (although we’re going to go to the manchester ones next time), but the real challenge arrived unexpectedly..in caffe nero..
we went in knowing what we wanted..katie wanted a hot chocolate and i had decided to treat myself to a mocha, however when we got in there was a new ‘festive menu’ which had a praline latte neither of us had tried..katie decided to have that instead and despite actually fancying a mocha I decided to go with the flow with it being a christmassy day and all. Soon after though, i realised that the ‘praline latte’ was actually just a festive name for a hazelnut latte you could get any time of year..and not only that but there is a sugar-free hazelnut syrup available. So now, not only did my chosen drink have more sugar than the one i actually wanted..but i was about to consume over 40g of sugar in a drink that could have been sugar-free..
I kept my shit together at the time but it really shook me up. I spoke to katie about it though and she really helped me put it in perspective..
1: i need the extra calories anyway to gain weight so its irrelevant
2:i didnt know at the time i ordered it so i cant be annoyed at myself for something i didnt know3:it may seem like alot of ‘added sugar’, but in general i dont have alot of added sugar so once in a while isnt going to do me any harm..its sugar not arsenic
4:i handled it well and drank it anyway which is a massive step forward mentally…there may be other situations in life where you have to eat/drink something you wouldnt normally have or even enjoy but you dont have a meltdown..you just deal with it..and if its something you can control you know for next time.
so all in all it was a lovely day and most importantly i did the best i could to reach my no1 goal which was to make my sister proud which i hope i achieved!!
Lots of love…Emma xx
I saw a video the other day of a young australian model explaining why she is quitting social media and i found it really honest, ensightful and inspiring. In short, she emphasises how social media (particularly ‘insta-fame’) is not real life, and it is a massive misconception that anyone will gain true happiness from a certain number of ‘likes’ or ‘followers’. The link to her video is here for those who want to watch it fully —->http://nextshark.com/essena-oneill-instagram-truth/
What particulatly hit home for me was her plea for people to get out and actually LIVE..meet people, do things you love etc. A massive part of my eating disorder has been isolating myself from family and friends, with my main priority being able to control the food im having, even through recovery. Although its important for me to track my food intake to ensure im having enough etc, i want to be able to ‘switch off’ so to speak…for instance when i go on holiday/over xmas, and food not being priority..not having to think about it..just living and enjoying time with family and friends.
So I’m putting this to the test this weekend which i will spend enjoying bonfire night with my aunty and cousins, i will not track what i eat and will have what they are having..its a start on reducing anxiety in letting other people make my food as i need to accept i cannot have full control 24/7 as thats not how life works. It will also show me that ‘switching off’ for a couple of days will not do me any physical harm…i will not put on a stone over one weekend (although that would be rather handy) and i will not fall to pieces even if i have some foods i wouldn’t usually include in my diet..its okay to have treats now and then..ESPECIALLY when you have weight to gain! hahaa its about making memories with my family and that is what I intend to do 🙂
I’ll let you know how i do 🙂