So its been a longgg time since my last post!..my bad!
But things are still going well! my blood results have improved significantly and my liver is basically fixed (woop! merry christmas to me)
However the blood tests weren’t all fun and games because it turned out some bacteria got in the needle and what i thought was a collapsed vain from all the stabbing, ended up being an infection giving me a beautifully painful red arm on christmas eve and a generous perscription of antibiotics!
Oh well, Christmas was quiet this year, but the annual Hynard boxing day party was as lively as ever! It was so so lovely to spend time with my family (even though some of them couldn’t make it due to the rain and floods :'(! ) and it made me even more determined to carry on improving! Just to think half a year ago i was practically on deaths door and last night I stayed up laughing and dancing with the most important people around me! There are soo many more celebrations to come, friends to make and time to spend with friends and family..frankly i can’t wait! Im so so greatful for the amazing people in my life and christmas is a great time to remember that!
Hope you all had a good one!
Love Emma xo
so my goals this month are a little different!
I have been doing well with both the mental and physical side of things recently but i still cant help but feel frustrated and still stuck/isolated in a little eating disorder bubble. I think that feeling of loneliness and isolation is what i find hardest about the eating disorder..not being able to be spontaneous, or go out with friends/family without anxiety or having to plan everything in advance! I know a lot of people plan what they’re going to eat in advance and it can be a great way to stay healthy..but i believe it becomes quite unhealthy if or when you become dependant on it..and not ‘planning’ causes you to become anxious or distressed. The same goes for the whole ‘clean eating’ malarky..its all well and good to want to eat healthy nutritious food the vast majority of the time out of choice and preference, but its not ok to have a fear of foods that my be deemed as ‘unhealthy’. Its a distorted thought, one chocolate bar or dessert every couple of days is not going to cause any sort of effect on your body or health that justifies genuine fear.
Fear is toxic, and the longer you leave it the more it grows..so i’m using this month to face my fears head on..I am certain that by the end of it i will still prefer to eat ‘healthily’ most of the time, I am also certain that i’m not going to turn into the cookie monster and eat rubbish day in, day out, nor will my body go into some sort of break down or blow up like a balloon. Again, these are distorted thoughts, and pushing the boundries the eating disorder has set is the only way i can prove them to myself as ‘untrue’. After that i can eat healthy food from a position of genuine choice, not being driven there purely by fear..and i’ll know i can handle any social situation, regardless to what i may or may not have to eat because i’ll have shown myself that relaxing for a little while wont make a significant difference on my body!
This may not make an awful lot of sense to many of you but it makes sense in my crazy little head!
now be gone, stop reading blogs and enjoy the wonderful festivities december will bring! 😉
love Emma xo