Wherever you go, there you’ll be.

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So I’ve been hospital admission free for over a year and things are finally slotting into place

I’m starting to find comfort in recovery and the wobbly ‘uncertainties’ and fears are slowly becoming regular parts of my daily routine and continue to get easier.

Going away from home and outside of my ‘safe’ bubble (about which I’ll go into more detail in a seperate post)  has taught me a lot and I have had plenty of time to think things over and reflect.

I’ve  learnt the importance of learning to love yourself. As you are th only person you’re  guaranteed to be with for life- wherever you go, there you’ll be. Make no mistake, this is VERY different to being ‘full of yourself’ which i have no intention of becoming..but rather treating yourself with the same respect and kindness as you would any of the loved ones in your life.
again this is something i’ve mentioned before but will continue to highlight as it is still misunderstood- an eating disorder is not for vanity- it is an expression of a much deeper problem.

I look back at my 15 year old self and just see a broken human being. The problems stemmed way beforethe weight cam off. I had no self love or self respect. It made me bitter, jealous and completely self destructive. Losing weight was never going to fix that like i thought it would, it was just a physical representation/manifestation of the broken relationship i had with myself-turning that into a broken relationship with food. A way to inflict pain on myself which the anorexia magnified as it got more intense-reinforcing the idea that this was what i deserved-gripping me tighter everyday- making it harder and harder to break free. and without addressing that real problem, and rebuilding that love and respect for myself- i would never had have the courage or strength to fight back, convince myself i deserved better and was capable of living a happy life- hell if i put all that energy i invested in hurting myself into something positive i might actually be able to radiate love, kindness and hope onto others…beyond saving my own life i might even be able to bring happiness into other peoples lives. we all have this potential as human beings and its up to us to utilise it. being able to bring light to other people lives is a gift-and you cant radiate love and kindness to anybody when you’re constantly at war with yourself and absorbed in your own hatred. You cant fight hate with hate.

Ill say it again-it has nothing to do with vanity-that girl on the left was not striving to look good, she was not striving to feel good- infact she felt nothing at all- she strived to feel numb.
Because feelings can be hurt you cant harm someone who it numb. Feelings left her vunerable, if she felt happiness it could be blunted, trust could be broken, hope could be destroyed and love could be unrequited, and this wasnt a risk she was willing to take.

Now the girl on the right is by no means fixed, physically and mentally she still has a way to go, a stone until she’s ‘healthy’, she is still infertile, and still has brittle bones but she is no longer waiting for perfection before she accepts herself. She loves herself now whilst she still works to better herself and is embracing the journey. Does she always get it right?Of course not! but she is slowly letting herself feel again..and amongst the feelings of anxiety and fear of what lies ahead she has moments of joy, hope and happiness which makes it well worth while. She wakes up excited about the life ahead of her rather than dread of another miserable day, and will continue to fight the shit that come her way 😉
congrats if you made it to the end of that one-that got lengthy! hahahaa

lots of love as always,

em xo

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